Old Berkhamstedians - League (H)

03.10.26

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Only the LOBs’ could have a match report for a Saturday game, start, in fact, on a Friday. But alas, this is where you join us, as Frankie Tudball is frantically typing away at his phone to the ‘captains committee’ group chat, fuelled by anx that he has ‘got his numbers wrong’, and mistakenly confirmed 15 players for a matchday squad that we all know has space for only 14.

 

Well, he had small cause for concern: Sully and Shandy, two players who would have provided some much-welcomed quality relieved themselves of their duties, bringing us to 13. Well, let’s not get hasty, we’ve got 13 strong players who could easily take on any side, especially in the form Will Macfie has been this season.

 

A what? What fell on Will Macfie, our top goalscoring striker on the eve of the game? A staircase? 

 

OK, no fear, Frankie Tudball, oh captain, my captain, will lead us to victory, said not whatever dodgy kebab had him crouched over the toilet in the early hours of Saturday morning. It actually wasn’t a kebab, but a virus apparently. To be fair, it takes a lot to take out Tud. 

 

Well, who needs subs anyway? You’re only allowed 11 players on the pitch at any given time, and the LOBS will only need 11 to beat this lot. We just need all 11 players to be there for kick off.

 

Cue Jo Ochola’s very apologetic message to Frankie. Frankie of course, is not at the game, as he announced to the entire group chat just a few hours earlier.

 

Here we found ourselves then, with 10 lobsters limbering up to take on this seemingly veteran side with, let it be noted, a full 11. The LOBs did their best to distract referee Momchil Ivanov and delay kick off - a good approach being to provide reasoned justification (such as two-hour travel times) as to why we could not accept his original proposal for a rescheduled kick-off time and await his judicial verdict.

 

Pan to the horizon, exactly three minutes till kick off, where we see the distant silhouette of a leisurely-moving individual. Jo? Surely, he’d be in a bit more haste (he was in fact sat comfortably on a train). A bird? A plane? No, it’s Jeff Kerr-Dineen! However, Jeff was also carrying a case of Asahi and limbering up to enjoy it from the sidelines, as opposed to any more physical forms of limbering. Well, would Jeff be prepared to wear the blue and white stripes for one last time? Of course, he said – if it weren’t for the ‘Monclers’. Negotiations continued, and it was decided that a reasonable compromise was for Scooter Tardelli-Red’s ‘spezials’ to be worn instead. Therefore, at around 12:31, the game eventually kicked off, with Jeff filling in at left-back, wearing Scooter’s trainers and an unfortunately fitting kit.

 

The game immediately proceeded into a cagey affair that would be reflective of the entire 90. The ball spent little time on the deck, with both teams realising it was more effective in the air than on the Tolworth ‘carpet’. Unless of course, we could get the ball to Oscar Berelowitz who somehow made the pitch look like the Bernabeu leaving defenders in heaps behind him. It was this logic that created the first big chance of the game. Quick disclaimer to the readers, from this point onwards I’ll be flatulating about my own involvements in the game. So, as I slotted Ozzy through on goal with a lovely trivela pass, he dribbled at the keeper managing to win us a corner. It was also Ozzy who whipped in a troubling corner that caused havoc for the defenders, leading to an own goal. 1-0 LOBs.

 

The maximum 15 minutes of involvement that Jeff had been promised was coming to a close, and perhaps these frustrations were reflected in a few fouls with a little too much elbow involvement. After Macca had run quicker and further than he probably had done this decade to retrieve an additional kit from the changing room, Jo leisurely kitted up, ensuring his cut socks were just right, and Jeff was finally able to enjoy his Asahi.

 

The LOBs immediately missed Jeff’s clearly significant pitch presence, as an opposition corner was met at the back post. 1-1.

 

However, LOBFC only grew into the game from this point. Centre-back duo Will Crowther and Kwame Essien defended fearlessly while full-backs Chris Brooks and Jo were up and down the sidelines like yo-yos. Getting the ball into the feet of our midfield proved to be the key, and the LOBs began creating chances in an unusually regular fashion. Kavan Leung swept up behind Archie Wheatley and Felix Haxby, who combined beautifully to fashion chances for the attack. One particular deft chip from Archie put me through on goal, (I did warn you), I caught it first time, pretty sure the ball broke the sound barrier, but just narrowly missed the post.

 

A bit of welcomed luck saw the referee disallow a second goal for offside, and some brilliant goalkeeping from John McCaulley meant we went into half-time 1-1. Proud of our performance, the half-time chat consisted of ensuring we keep playing with confidence, keep working hard, and play the pitch. So, let’s not play any unnecessarily risky passes across the face of goal where a bobble can cause a world of danger. So, what did we do five minutes into the second half? Play a sideways ball across the face of goal where a bobble caused a world of danger. 2-1.

 

The LOBs however didn’t let up. The team kept fighting hard, in particular makeshift centre-forward Scooter battled tirelessly with the oppo centre-backs, causing them a lot of issues. The hard work fashioned a good chance, but on Scooter’s less favoured right foot, not quite finding the target.  However, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. A pearler of a pass from Fe put me through 1-on-1 vs the keeper. The keeper came out for it, but I got there first and just had to put it into an open net on my left foot. I already sense the concern of the readers, but fear not, the ball found the back of the net (also winning Jeff’s 3-1 bet on Honychurch to score anytime) 2-2.

 

However, the dry bobbly Tolworth surface created a very physical, quick, tiring game, and the opposition’s substitutes proved to be the defining factor. The oppo were able to bring on some fresh legs, and the LOBs were unable to withstand the pressure. The opposition found a third with 15 minutes left to play and ultimately sealed the deal with a fourth.

 

Although a disappointing result, we can find hope in that the LOBs’ problems this season will not be found on the pitch, but in the group chat. The team is scoring goals like it hasn’t in a long time. With commitment and availability, we can build a robust defence that leaks fewer goals, and keeps legs fresh with rotation. 3 points from 3 games, and crucially 9 goals is no bad start. The LOBs should keep their aspirations high for the rest of the season – fully capable of taking on any team in this league.

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Will H