Old Carthusians II - League (A)

 

*Club des Sports, 26 September. A match report, and also a cry for help.

​

**First half: a polite disagreement**

Old Carthusians II struck first, like a man who's spotted the last parking space. Lancing equalised almost at once, the footballing equivalent of reaching the same parking space from the other direction and wordlessly parking nose to nose. Then came a mutual goal exchange of such courtesy it nearly needed a seating plan. It went 1-2, then 2-2, then Lancing found a gear nobody had asked for. At 2-4, the away side looked like a team who'd read the instructions.

​

**The Scooter incident, and the end of civilisation**

Then Scooter made a challenge. Reports differ on its quality. The referee booked it. The home side felt it deserved a stern letter to the council. The Carthusian 15, who had apparently saved his reaction for after the whistle, dealt with the matter personally, and was shown a yellow card for his trouble. This is the refereeing equivalent of two people being fined the same amount, one for jaywalking and the other for jaywalking, then pushing the first one into a hedge. Lancing noticed. Lancing did not let it go.

​

**Crosby goes full poltergeist**

Disco in goal had spent the afternoon being a calm, wise tree, then something snapped. In a fit of frustration he pushed over an opposing player, who accepted the gift with the grace of a man falling into a free sofa. Penalty. Home side score. The tree had become a weather event.

​

**Joshua Shand discovers his limit (and then finds the other one)**

Joshua Shand, who had already scored and was feeling spiritually invincible, could not contain himself either. His protests earned a first yellow for dissent and, shortly afterwards, a second. Two bookings for dissent in a single afternoon is a feat of consistency usually reserved for people who reply-all. Lancing was down to ten, with the structural integrity of a sandcastle at high tide.

**The tide comes in**

​

What followed was less a football match than a long, slow exhale. The home side, delighted by the new geometry of the pitch, scored four unanswered goals. Lancing held on with grit, courage and, by the final stretch, mostly spiritual energy. They did not hold on in the sense of the result. They held on in the sense that they remained physically present.

​

**Full time: 6-4** Lancing's scorers (Fry, Honeychurch, Macfie, Shand) can hold their heads high. Everyone else can hold theirs in their hands, preferably in a pub, preferably before Crosby and Shand discover what the others are drinking.

​

Steve ChatGPT Crosby