Old Etonians II - League (H)

 

A Game of Two Halves (And Then a Third in Clapham)

It was a crisp Saturday afternoon as the LOBs lined up against the Etonians, with dreams of glory, dignity, and perhaps even a pint or two later in Clapham. The first few minutes, however, saw the LOBs playing as if they'd left their legs in the group chat. Slow out the blocks and even slower to close down space, the boys looked like they were trying to solve a crossword puzzle rather than play football. But, as with all good stories (and all bad hangovers), things began to click.

​

The LOBs started to read the Etonians like an old romantic novel, predictable, posh, and occasionally hard to stomach. Chances were created, triangles were passed, and the ball was moved with the kind of swagger that makes the side line dads nod in approval. Unfortunately, finishing those chances was left to Honeychurch, whose performance in front of goal resembled a man trying to eat soup with a fork. Honeychurch: Mug of the Match. A strong candidate for an early bath, not from the ref but just general shame. His miss from six yards out will live long in the memory, mostly because he refuses to stop talking about how "shit the pitch was."

​

At the back, however, Tom Hall was marshalling the defence like a man possessed, or perhaps just a man who didn’t want to be seen at O'Neil’s too early. Breaking up attacks, shouting orders, and wearing a kit that still looked white at full time. Tom Hall rightly claimed Man of the Match. Sadly, despite the LOBs growing influence, the Etonians bagged two very decent goals, one a crisp finish, the other a sucker punch just as the LOBs were threatening to equalise. Final whistle: 2-0 to the boys in blue. The ref may have blown up on the pitch, but for the LOBs, the real game was just beginning.

​

Clapham: Second Half Chaos Now, if you thought the on-pitch performance had drama, Clapham made the game look like a warm-up. First up, Disco took centre stage in the social equivalent of a Champions League final. Not content with just covering the tab, he handled entry fees like a financial advisor with a point to prove, and then pulled not one, but two talented Brazilians. Rumour has it, he even gave them a brief tactical analysis of the OLs’ second-half shape. Man of the Match (Night Edition): Disco. But what’s a night out without a few mugs? * Jamie saw Harry’s delicate, sentimental necklace and decided the best way to appreciate it was to rip it off in a moment of divine madness. What followed was a Harry S. meltdown so biblical it could’ve made the Old Testament: “Nah. I’m goin’ home. Right now.”

 

Crosses were not the only thing broken that night. * Will Brooke, meanwhile, made his mark, physically in O'Neil’s. The carpets will never forget him. A brief disappearance ensued, only for him to re-emerge like Gandalf the White, sweaty, confused, but slightly wiser. Charlie Fry, however, completed the treble, leaving his mark in not one, not two, but three separate locations. Legend has it, his soul is still haunting the alley behind Adventure Bar. The final whistle for Fry came not from a ref, but from his own bodily systems. Mug of the Night with a strong degree of certainty and a splash radius to match.

 

Final Thoughts The LOBs may have left the pitch with a 2-0 loss, but by 4am in Clapham, they’d certainly won something. Pride? No. Respect? Probably not. But memories? Oh yes. From missed sitters to blessed blasphemy, from Brazilian brilliance to bodily betrayal, this was truly a game of two halves, and a night out of full send. Up the LOBs.

Cal